Wrestle Royalty presents…The Golden Durians!!!: Worst Current Wrestling Themes

More often than not, wrestling themes these days are pretty dead on.  Hiring the CFO$ to breathe some new life into the themes was a great thing.  When CFO$ came in, themes got edgier and more current-sounding.  Jim Johnston wasn’t terrible by any means but he did get it wrong – quite wrong – at times near the end of his tenure.  A couple of his more wrong moves are included here as they still remain in use (one was just recently decommissioned).  Here are a few that deserve nothing less than “The Golden Durian”.

The Durian Fruit is widely known to be the worst-smelling fruit in the history of food itself.  Think onions, turpentine, and sewage.  I took that from Wikipedia but having had the misfortune of smelling one close-up some years back, I can vouch for the accuracy of that description.  It’s popular in Southeastern Asian cuisine…somehow.

Anyway, here are my nominees…in no particular odor…of the very worst current themes.

 

Tyler Bate – “Inaugural”

I’m honestly not sure what CFO$ were thinking here.  They cleary have a very British wrestler who’s whole thing is “British Strong Style” and they give them this reductive boogie/synth-rock nonsense.  There’s nothing remotely British-sounding about this.  It’s not bad as a tune, I guess, but it absolutely doesn’t fit Tyler at all.  Judge for yourself:

 

Cedric Alexander – Won’t Let Go

To be honest, this theme might work well…for someone else.  For Cedric, it just feels wrong.  It does feel very reductive (apparently, that will be my word of the day) of AJ Styles’ theme.  I also know that I cringe whenever I hear it.  He deserves better than this.  Hopefully, someday he’ll get a better tune.

 

Mickie James – “Obsession”

Jim Johnston blew this one big time.  As we all know by now, Mickie also has a side hustle as a Country singer.  This 80’s-derived cheerleader dreck is completely terrible on its own and completely wrong for her.  On its own, it’s just bad.  On her, it sounds like mid-life wrestling crisis music.  She’s hardly old but she’s too mature to have to come out to the ring to this nonsense.

 

Tamina “Tropical Storm”

Thank goodness they finally replaced this last month.  I just hate that it took them so long to change it and that she was saddled with it in the first place.  Jim Johnston had invested so little into this that all he could come with as a lyric was “Ta Mi Na” chanted over and over again while some vaguely jungle beat played underneath it.  This one is absolutely the very worst not only because of its unimaginative lyric but also because of it’s ridiculous jungle theme.  Check, please.

 

Akira Tozawa – “Strawberry Moon”

Another one I can truly do without.  This is completely faceless and does nothing to demand your attention.  It also doesn’t feel the least bit at home with Tozawa and it never has.  Themes should feel like the workers that use them.  This absolutely doesn’t.  I’m not saying you just “go the Oriental route” – that’s not really necessary.  I’m just saying they need to find something that feels like him and, more importantly, something that grabs your attention right away.

 

Lana – “Ravishing”

Lana has a background as a dancer and perhaps that’s what they were going for here.  However, she’d been marketed up until this unfortunate sonic accident showed up as “The Ravishing Russian”.  This is just an inconsequential dance track complete with really cheesy synth sax.  It was clear at the beginning of this newest version of Lana that she was supposed to fill the role justifiably vacated by Emmalina and I guess that’s what this was for.  Lana was saddled with a redux version of it but it hasn’t been followed through on at all and she’s currently lost in the weeds.  This theme does her no favors.  In the words of our Queen, UGH!

 

Okay, I’ve given you mine.  Which ones do you hate?  Release your inhibitions below!